Two hours before my first photo shoot I sat on my bed, holding my phone, and debated the consequences of calling the whole thing off.
My heart was screaming “WHAT IF YOU AREN’T GOOD ENOUGH” while my head calmly replied, “You’ll never know unless you try.” Visually, it very much felt like an episode of American Gladiators. I was wearing one of those terrible head masks holding a giant padded Q-tip trying to knock Fear (in his silver leotard) off the pedestal.
I wish I could say that was the only time I faced Fear on that platform but everytime I feel I have gotten over the biggest hurdle to date, up pops another one mid-run and I fall flat on my face.
Last month I attended a one-day seminar where Dane Sanders was the speaker. Reading his book, Fast Track Photographer, before I started my business was the single best decision I have made. Dane’s book helped me lay foundations for what I hope will become something truly special and also made me view my fledgling business in an entirely different light. One where my business is about the pictures I create, yes, but moreso where my business was centered on something that no one else could offer. Me.
Melding my passion for photography and my quirky personality should not have been difficult. It was inside me already; all I needed to do was put it (myself) out there. But what I found is that I was arriving at client sessions so concentrated on getting what constituted “good” shots that I was forgetting to be myself.
My personality, who I am as a person, was being stifled by the Fear of not being good enough.
The day of Dane’s seminar, I arrived feeling so frustrated and so highly aware of how I was sabotaging myself and my business so when he handed me a microscope and asked me to examine my business top-to-bottom, I panicked. It was if he had decided to give a 7-hour seminar on “How to Strengthen Melissa Oholendt Photography” and I was the main song and dance. But the end, I was hopeful; I was encouraged but I was also so raw it hurt.
Post-seminar, I slid Dane’s book across the table for him to sign and he put his hand over my mine and said, “We need to hear your voice, Melissa.” Before I could formulate a response, I was crying so hard I couldn’t see straight. (Oh Dane, I’m so sorry.) I don’t know how he knew but he KNEW and he was willing to call me out on this self-imposed failure that I couldn’t find words to vocalize.
I still stumble in the battle with fear. Every time I sit down to write a blog post, ol’ man Fear jumps in and whispers, “They don’t care who you are; they only care what you do.” and there I stand with that giant padded Q-tip again.
I give you a post 3 months in the making…take that fear. That’s right, I’ve downgraded you to a lowercase; you will not control me anymore.
In the spirit of my new hi-it’s-me posts, the images below are from a film roll (i love you) I took last summer in DC. That was the moment I knew that not being a photographer would truly break my heart.
