Two hours before my first photo shoot I sat on my bed, holding my phone, and debated the consequences of calling the whole thing off.
My heart was screaming “WHAT IF YOU AREN’T GOOD ENOUGH” while my head calmly replied, “You’ll never know unless you try.” Visually, it very much felt like an episode of American Gladiators. I was wearing one of those terrible head masks holding a giant padded Q-tip trying to knock Fear (in his silver leotard) off the pedestal.
I wish I could say that was the only time I faced Fear on that platform but everytime I feel I have gotten over the biggest hurdle to date, up pops another one mid-run and I fall flat on my face.
Last month I attended a one-day seminar where Dane Sanders was the speaker. Reading his book, Fast Track Photographer, before I started my business was the single best decision I have made. Dane’s book helped me lay foundations for what I hope will become something truly special and also made me view my fledgling business in an entirely different light. One where my business is about the pictures I create, yes, but moreso where my business was centered on something that no one else could offer. Me.
Melding my passion for photography and my quirky personality should not have been difficult. It was inside me already; all I needed to do was put it (myself) out there. But what I found is that I was arriving at client sessions so concentrated on getting what constituted “good” shots that I was forgetting to be myself.
My personality, who I am as a person, was being stifled by the Fear of not being good enough.
The day of Dane’s seminar, I arrived feeling so frustrated and so highly aware of how I was sabotaging myself and my business so when he handed me a microscope and asked me to examine my business top-to-bottom, I panicked. It was if he had decided to give a 7-hour seminar on “How to Strengthen Melissa Oholendt Photography” and I was the main song and dance. But the end, I was hopeful; I was encouraged but I was also so raw it hurt.
Post-seminar, I slid Dane’s book across the table for him to sign and he put his hand over my mine and said, “We need to hear your voice, Melissa.” Before I could formulate a response, I was crying so hard I couldn’t see straight. (Oh Dane, I’m so sorry.) I don’t know how he knew but he KNEW and he was willing to call me out on this self-imposed failure that I couldn’t find words to vocalize.
I still stumble in the battle with fear. Every time I sit down to write a blog post, ol’ man Fear jumps in and whispers, “They don’t care who you are; they only care what you do.” and there I stand with that giant padded Q-tip again.
I give you a post 3 months in the making…take that fear. That’s right, I’ve downgraded you to a lowercase; you will not control me anymore.
In the spirit of my new hi-it’s-me posts, the images below are from a film roll (i love you) I took last summer in DC. That was the moment I knew that not being a photographer would truly break my heart.
i’m yours,
melissa
let me just be the voice of everyone who's not saying this (and trust me, there are lots of them): we totally DO care about who YOU are! your heart and soul in your work is what makes it beautiful, and I think you do an awesome job of putting your heart and soul in it. :)
i am ridiculously excited that I am here… you made my week. May we be friends? You bless me and like so many, I am grateful.
- Dane
your star is rising darlin'. so excited to read along with your fanclub as you grow your gift!
I care about who YOU are, not just what you are doing. I love you!
I just thought I would say, that you are one of my favorite people. So don't forget that when you become famous and start shooting celebrity weddings and whatnot. ;)
Fun fact of the day…
I think the word you were looking for is "Pugil Stick". That is what they joust with on American Gladiators. Swimming pool foam noodles and balance beams are a great, and slightly safer "budget" alternative.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pugil_stick
Lovely & brave. I'm sure having Dane notice you and respond will push you farther into the uncomfortable towards the bliss of being you & creating images that capture the genuine soulfulness of all beings. Your clients are feeling the same–they want to be their best selves, but fear makes them stiff. Love film too. Will enjoy watching your work.
Ah, must confess there's relief in knowing other photographers fight the same Fear. :)
The best, and perhaps most important and unmentioned part, is that God cares WHO you are. Your value (and everyone else's… note so self) is based on who and whose you are, not on WHAT you do, how you perform. The wonderful thing is that you've been given a gift and a passion to use that gift– you're working on becoming, more and more, who you were made to be.
Hi Melissa! I know this is an older post, but I stumbled upon it from a link, from a link, from a link, etc and thought I'd say hi ("Hi!"). I was at your table at the FTP Seminar (the newbie pet photog), and what you had to say about the impact of spending a few hours with Dane definitely resonnates with me. Your work is gorgeous, obviously contains a lot of love and passion, and I think you and your business have a bright future in our market. :) If you ever want a cup of coffee, let me know! – Becky
I’m 6 months late posting but I just happened to come across this blog/post and I had to comment. Thanks so much for sharing yourself with us. I too struggle with my own fears every single day. Here’s to never giving up!…..